onlyemma's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Feel the fear, and do it anyway" You know when you're worried and it's so irrational, but you can't shake off that feeling in the pit of your stomach? I have that. I've had it for a few days now. It's only because I'm scared of going to Bournemouth and being without my family and friends. I keep telling myself I'll be ok, and I can cope with being away from home, but I never believe it. Not truely. I never believe that I'm strong enough. Reading my last entry back, I think I was trying to convince myself that I can do this, but my attempts have failed because I still feel pathetically scared. When I think of where I'm going and what I'll be doing, I don't see why I should find it so scary. Everything about it is a good thing. And I should be able to deal with leaving everyone for a while, shouldn't I? So what's wrong with me? When I first started at the National, I used to cry most days for at least a month. And I remember thinking about school in the evenings, and wondering why I didn't want to go back there, because when I thought it over, there was nothing to be worried about. I had fantastic friends, I could do my work, the teachers were all nice and I could go home in the evenings. Nothing to cry about there, right? But I still did, on the bus on the way to school; and I couldn't eat the chocolate bar my mum would put in the pocket of my blazer, at break times, because my mind was too occupied with worry for me to feel hungry. I spent months like this, before one day I realised that there was no reason for me to worry so much, I wasn't helping myself and it didn't help my parents either to see my face plastered up against the bus window, waving and sobbing as I went off to the school they thought would be wonderful for me. And I started to enjoy myself, finally.
And I hate myself for this, but I seem to have gone right back to the beginning again, I feel a bit like that wimpering bag of nerves on the first day of school, dressed in an over-sized blazer. And for the sake of throwing in a Dawson's Creek style simile, I feel like that blazer is my 18 year old self and I've still got to grow into it. Does that even make sense? I feel like I'm the only person in the world to feel like that. Except maybe the 2 weirdos who live up the road can relate, as they actually have to take their mum to University with them because they don't want to leave her. I never ever want to become like that. But I can see it happening if I carry on letting my worries get the better of me. I mean, they can't even let their mum take the dog for a walk on her own because it'll mean her leaving them. I think we all realise how sad that is, and I'm nearing the edge of this insanity. Actually, no. I'm not going to let myself become ruled by worry. I've had enough of it. 18 years is enough. I'm not going to underestimate my own strength. I'm going to start packing. The pit of my stomach feels oddly worry free. 9:20 a.m. - 2003-07-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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