onlyemma's Diaryland Diary

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The Phase Out.

I think I�ve forgotten how to write. The only thing I write these days are work-related emails and the odd, �Ayyooooo!� on facebook walls and �please don�t tag me!� on facebook albums. I probably need to get a life.

Speaking of life; mine is still plodding along. I�d add on �quite nicely� there, but it�s more like, �in a mediocre and unsatisfying way�; which is what it is really. My life is standing still, which is probably why I haven�t written about it for a while.

Job? Still got one. Love life? Still haven�t. Okay, for the latter that�s not entirely true; I had myself a bit of a rendezvous over the last few months, but don�t worry, I put him off somehow, I always do. He doesn�t want a girlfriend, and as cynical as it is I think that basically translates into �I don�t want you as a girlfriend�; which I should be used to by now but it�s a bit like getting used to being punched in the head.

So me and Mr Mysterious are �just friends� which I think actually means, �I�m waiting to see if I can find someone better�. And I have a sneaky suspicion he�s phasing me out at the moment anyway, which is always a joy!

My autobiography should be entitled �The Phase Out� � wouldn�t that be fitting? Maybe I should actually write a handbook for girls who are constantly phased out of boys� lives; with the now-customary image on the cover, of me sitting on my sofa during the �realisation stage� � alone on a Saturday night with a giant Disney mug full to the brim with tea, balancing a whole cheesecake and a fork precariously on one knee whilst trying to find the remote control from under a mountain of pillows, a hot water bottle and my giant buttocks so I can turn over to Don�t Tell The Bride and convince myself that there is still romance in the world, or else just cry a bit inside.

Or maybe I should just write a pamphlet with the main points on � that would be less time-consuming. Here goes (feel free print out and distribute for future reference):

BEING PHASED OUT, THE ONLYEMMA WAY:

Phase One (One Week Since You�ve Spoken/Text/E-mailed/Facebooked/whiled away your nights on MSN or Facebook Chat)

OBLIVION: You Just Don�t Get it.

� You wonder why he hasn�t called, but he�ll call.
� It just got too intense, but he�ll call.
� He likes you too much, it just scared him. He�ll call.
� He needs space to figure out how he feels. He�ll call.
� He likes you. He�ll call.
� Yes, he does still like you. He�ll call.

Phase 2 (Two Weeks In):

BEWILDERMENT: You Still Don�t Get It.

� You wonder why he still hasn�t called.
� He�s been on Facebook � he�s updated his status, but why hasn�t he said anything to you?
� Maybe he�s playing it cool?
� Maybe he�s busy?
� He said he liked you, what have you done wrong?
� You wonder if he ever liked you.
� You must be too needy.

Phase 3 (Three Weeks In) �

DEPRESSION/SELF-PITY: You Still Don�t Get It But It�s Probably You

� It�s because you�re fat.
� It�s because you�re ugly and your arms and legs are too big.
� It�s because you�re getting a double chin.
� It�s because your underwear doesn�t match all the time.
� It�s because you�re an idiot.
� It�s because he�s found someone prettier/taller/funnier/brunette and they�re having picnics and drinking wine and probably laughing at you.
� He never liked you, it was all an elaborate hoax (refer back to point 5).
� You�ll be sad and lonely forever.
� If the woman at Thorntons who has a beard can find 2 husbands, why can�t you?
� You�re obviously deformed.

And finally...

Phase 4 (Four Weeks In) � REALISATION/ACCEPTANCE: You Still Don�t Get It But It�s Probably Him

� He�s a tosser.

And that, ladies, is how you deal with being phased out, like a grown-up. There are no waves or rubber bands here, just hard-hitting reality. In your FACE John Gray!

11:10 p.m. - 2009-05-25

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