onlyemma's Diaryland Diary

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Yesterday

I feel like I�ve seen Nanna recently. I woke up this morning and felt like I�d seen her yesterday, like I�d been round to her house and eaten her homemade scones, sat in her chair and talked to her about what�s going on in Neighbours. I miss her.

It�s been a few years now since Nanna and Grandad died, but it still feels like they should be here. I�ve accepted that they�re not, though it still feels like it�s all kind of wrong and my life is still full of them. Sometimes I can still smell them; Grandad always smelled like the outside, like when he�d ride up to see us on his bike and he�d smell like the cold air and chives; that�s what I remember the most. He always knew if I was sad but knew how to cheer me up by laughing with me or offering me my third choc ice even when the two I�d already eaten I hadn�t really wanted in the first place. Nanna smelled like baking and face cream and perfume. She always knew if I had a boyfriend or a hair cut or if I�d eaten onions within the last 3 days. And she knew I didn�t really like choc ices and we enjoyed the fact that in that way, we were the same.

Kate and I sometimes talk about how we try and piece together the both of them, finding familiar parts of them in other people, like a smile or a hand or something they�d say. It makes us happy, like in some way they�re still around, but then it makes us sad to know that all those things really are, are pieces of people who won�t make up for Nanna or Grandad at all.

But anyway. Right now I feel like Nanna is close. I don�t know why I feel like that but I like it. I like feeling that it hasn�t been 2 years since I saw her last, waving to me from her hospital bed while I kept popping up at the door to surprise her with another wave. No, it�s only been a day. And one day is fine by me.

Maybe next time she'll stay.

5:54 p.m. - 2006-08-13

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