onlyemma's Diaryland Diary

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Nanna


Here I am.

It's been a long time since I've written in here and I'm sorry again. I've been trying to put off writing this entry.

A lot has happened between the last entry and now. My Nanna died. My wonderful, beautiful, amazing Nanna. It happened about a month ago, she had Motor Neuron Disease. Me and Kate were in Milford when we found out and didn't get home til it was too late.

I can't believe she's gone, it just feels impossible. She was so strong. Even when she found out she had this incurable disease she said she'd fight it and she never gave up until her last breath.


I think it was around a year ago that Nanna said she started getting pains in her legs. She was running for the bus one day and her legs felt so heavy, when she reached the bus she could hardly lift them to get on it. And so it went from there. Her legs felt worse and worse, and then she couldn't leave the house. And then her arms started to feel the same and eventually she couldn't even leave her bed. And then she fell over in the bathroom and couldn't get up, so she went into hospital and they did some tests.

She was treated for something that's like a more curable version of Motor Neuron Disease. We were so hopeful that it would work. None of us could bare to think about if it didn't. And we prayed so hard, but nothing happened and we had to live up to the fact that Nanna had Motor Neuron Disease and was going to die. So all we could do was wait.


When Nanna died it was a huge shock because I had no idea that she was getting so ill. My mum always said she was "the same" whenever I asked, so I thought she was the way she was when I left her.

Because me and Kate were in Milford it was hard for it to sink in. I feel bad that we were so far away and everyone at home had to deal with the pain, every day, and there I was, somewhere else, shutting it out because I'm selfish and it hurt too much.

The only time I couldn't ignore the fact that she's gone though, was when I came home and visited her house. It was exactly how it always was, but empty, and it felt strange. In the living room there were the things she'd taken into hospital, in a big bag, and I looked through it. It was so hard seeing her clothes and it broke my heart that they didn't smell like her anymore, they smelled like the hospital. When I searched through her bag I found her glasses and they reminded me so much of her I just started crying and couldn't stop. When I saw them it hit me for the first time that she was gone and that she won't be walking through the door again because if she was going to she'd need to be wearing her glasses, and she couldn't because they were in my hand. Then just before we left my dad had to put the burglar alarm on which was in the hall cupboard which had all her coats in, so I smelled her fleece and it smelled just like her, it was so familar, I never wanted to let it go.

I miss her so much. I love her too much for her to be gone. She was so sad in the end, and we couldn't do anything about it.

I wish I'd said goodbye and told her I loved her. She was the best Nanna in the world. Even when she squidged my sides and went "ooh you've got fat".

8:54 p.m. - 2004-10-16

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